Empathy works better than problem solving!
Empathy works better than problem solving, unless you are solving a math problem! Most people who are kind and want to practice kindness by solving others’ problems have one simple process — listen to the problem and give a solution. So very logical, practical, and rational step to take, correct? In actual the person helping, or the person sharing problem do not always gain any benefit from problem solving advice. As, many times people talk about their problems not because they want a solution, but because they need someone to be there for them. If in real one needs to practice kindness one needs to be empathetic and mindfully present for the person sharing their challenge. Listening is hard work. And listening to someone’s pain is even harder. Our body has many defense mechanisms to block the experience of pain. We as humans are built to jump to decisions and avoid pain at any cost. As a result, giving solution is the way to avoid pain and suffering and ultimately feel satisfied and accomplished. This poses problem for practicing empathy which is very important for our mental and physical health. As Empathy connects us to others’ pain. So, if we want to become a better human or get stronger mentally and physically, we need to start resisting that impulse to offer solutions. This is not easy but can be learned with practice. As per experts It’s very common and very normal behavior in human conversations to jump to solutions. But in real it is the enemy of authentic human exchanges. So, stop it.
Our desire to problem solving arises from empathy but to see someone in pain hurts us so we in response give solution which makes us feel good. But giving solution literally leads to shutting down of conversation- it’s an exit button to the conversation. Instead, one needs to overcome the fear of pain and just listen to the problem without jumping to solution.
Another aspect we need to realize is that — we all have answers to our problems — the only thing needed is to be honest to our own self. That’s why when someone shares their challenges, remember that any solution we offer to them are rarely as good as what they will come up by themselves. This is because they know their situation better than anyone else. Even if sometimes the mentor/teacher/relative/friend can help the person by solving their issue one should wait and let the person explore their options and look out for their own path. That way you do not end up robbing their right to find their own path.
So next time if you have someone coming up to you to share their problem, listen and give them full attention and do your best to STOP that impulse of jumping to solution.
